i’ll be 22 tomorrow.

but it’s just another birthday – another year older, and (hopefully) another year wiser.

so, i ask, is it time to let go of grudges?

i received a card from my grandmother in the mail today. “happy birthday, dear granddaughter,” the cover said. it was illustrated in pastels and subtle, glittery text, reaffirming the fact that my grandmother will probably still be sending me glittering birthday cards no matter how old i get.

i was surprised to get a card from her, of all people. i didn’t get one last year, nor the year before (that i can remember). i just figured that she was still playing her games and thought that i would care if i didn’t get a card – which, i didn’t.

i don’t have a lot of respect for my grandmother (my dad’s mom, to specify), and i’m not going to go into the details here. i suppose i could, but out of respect for my father, i won’t. i lost respect for her over the last 6 years or so, and it was a direct result of the way she treated me, my family members, and stupid little mind games she’d play to get attention.

i didn’t make any real effort to contact her or call her; the way i see it, the telephone works both ways. after moving to chicago, i pretty much lost all contact with her, saw her MAYBE once a year, and then when she got angry and pissy because our family was still in contact (and hanging out with) my aunt’s ex-husband, it was kind of the last straw for me. the ultimate last straw was when she refused to come to my little brother’s high school graduation, even though my family offered to come pick her up for the 1/2 hour drive.

i refused to call her or talk to her, and i know it bothered my dad. i remember him calling me last winter and pleading with me to give her a call for her birthday – the hour long conversation went back and forth, my explaining (and yelling, sorry dad) about how she shows no respect for our family and that i refused to have anything to do with someone who treated her own son the way she did. but i could hear in his voice that it hurt him, and i consented with, “fine. but i’m only calling her for you. i’m not calling her because i care.”

i still feel guilty about it, but that’s how i felt, and kind of how i still feel. like i’ve said before, i’m a good person – but if you fuck with my family or my friends, i can be a real bitch.

the birthday card that came in the mail caught me off guard. when i saw that it had been addressed properly, my first thought was, “huh. either dad called her and asked her to send this, or she actually took initiative and asked him for my address.” upon opening the card, i found a generous check and a magazine clipping entitled “grandmother’s pearls of wisom.” it was cute, the message inside the card was generic, but at the same time, the effort made me smile a little. when i pulled out the magazine clipping, i found a handwritten message on the inside cover:

“lindsey, could you find time to call grandma once in a while? i’d love to hear from you.”

immediately, i felt guilty, defensive, and apologetic, all at the same time. she’s an old woman – maybe she doesn’t realize the games she plays. maybe her arithritis prevents her from dialing a phone. maybe she DID realize the way she’s acted, and now she feels bad about it.

either way, i’m an adult now. it’s time to move on and just accept the way things are – if not for my sake, then for my father’s.

dad, i’ll get grandma’s number from you tomorrow. i’ve got a phone call to make that’s probably several years overdue.