explosion.

i feel like i’ve been run over by a semi truck.

twice.

and then thrown off of a ten-story building and run over again.

hooray for strep throat and 103.5 fevers.

apparently, since my fever hasn’t been below 103.5 for 4 days, i have to go to the ER tomorrow morning unless it magically breaks tonight.

i’m going to have to owe tif my first born child and a lot of beer in order to thank her for covering for me at work tonight and having to miss her open mic.

but as long as i can sleep this shit off and stay out of the ER tomorrow, i’ll be willing to do both of those things.

if you want it, come and get it; but understand, you take me as i am.

i’m a big ol’ pile of sick.

and i have the sniffles, which sounds a lot cuter than it actually is.

i rode the pink line today for the first time in, well, ever. i had to go to the CTA offices and figure out how to remedy the fact that the clark and division turnstile ate my upass for breakfast, and i ended up taking the pink line back into the loop for rehearsal. it was pretty disappointing, actually. despite the fact that it was the “pink” line, therefore bringing to mind connotations of joy and brightness, it was just as dull and dingy as any other L in the city. though, i must admit, the views were better.

i am currently irritated by the mindset of some of my fellow peers and actors at CCC. the ted ward show is getting a lot of shit, and it pisses me off.

“uh, we’re white. are we like, allowed to see it?”

ok, seriously? do you live under a rock or something? are we back in the 1800’s? have a little tact, a little class, and a little openmindedness. yes, it’s an all black cast. and yes, it’s a mainstage, even if it’s in the basement. the only mainstage i’ve done at columbia was in the basement. the skin color of the actors and being in the basement theatre do NOT make this show any less worthy of support and praise, and those of you that think it does can go fuck yourselves.

because something is happening here, but you don’t know what it is; do you, mr. jones?

sufjan stevens is lazy sunday mornings at the coffee shop. slightly chilly, ambiant; the smell of fresh coffee wafting groggily around the front room, stairs creaking, chairs scraping, books closing, pencils scratching. familiar smiles, hellos and morning pleasantries. people tip better on sundays.

neutral milk hotel is runnning down wrightwood at 2am on a rainy summer night. sneakers smacking against wet pavement, the strips of road where there are no working street lights, the uneven sidewalks, dodging drunken frat boys and lincoln park trixies. this is the best smelling street that i’ve found in chicago; it sounds weird, but the lilacs that grow all up and down wrightwood perfume the entire street for months. crossing the weird train track things and stopping for a breath when i realize i’m a lot farther west than i originally thought; the feeling of hot, damp, exhausted personal satisfaction.

alison krauss is winter nights spent with bottles of whiskey and good friends; too many cigarettes, not enough sleep, but plenty of music playing to keep us sane. winter nights spent crashed on a variety of mattresses with a variety of people in a giant loft in pilsen; too drunk and tired to trudge home with our instruments, we snuggle up in random beds and drift away to sleep.

wilco is the lakeshore bike path at night, late summer. sneaking out to the lake for secret cigarettes, hiding our bikes and climbing down walls, avoiding the lakefront policemen by sidling up to rock faces and speaking in hushed whispers. humid, muggy, wandering bike rides with no beginning and no ending.

i was going to do this for all of the music i have, but that would be awful. interesting, but awful. awfully long, awfully involved, and awfully perfect at giving me yet another reason to procrastinate doing any real homework. it’s a nice thought though – maybe one of these days i’ll actually do it. i’m not sure why i started to do this whole “this music reminds me of…” kind of thing. all i can really attribute it to is that its early, i’m sleep-deprived, i’m procrastinating (duh), and i’m in the beginning stages of getting sick. (which, is kind of obnoxious. it’s like when your throat is scratchy and you just can’t seem to shake the weird out-of-body feeling you’ve got – you know the whole “being sick” thing is coming, it’s just a matter of when.)

it was interesting for a while though. listening to my itunes shuffle through music over the speakers at the coffee shop and realizing that each song and each artist invokes particular memories for me; 90’s songs always remind me of high school, but also of driving in my truck down dirt roads, and the cast of my last show (when we played apples to apples in the dressing room and listened to jon’s music mixes); bob dylan and van morrison remind me of veranda nights at sarah’s with whomever stumbled out of work and down the sidewalk to the little house-side nook illuminated with paper lanterns and christmas lights where we shared intellectual conversations and bottles of red wine; garth brooks reminds me of working for paul and julie at the horse stable and the dusty, dirty weekend horse shows that always left me exhausted but happy; suzy bogguss reminds me of my mother, rod stewart and the faces of my father, city & colour of my dear friend kelly, and etc etc and blah blah blah.

everytime i listen to music it’s kind of like a walk down memory lane; sometimes it’s a pleasant walk, sometimes it’s a broody one, but i’m starting to think that music means so much to me because it keeps me in touch and in tune with the world and the people around me.

i took my love and i took it down
i climbed a mountain and i turned around
and i saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well the landslide brought me down
oh, mirror in the sky
what is love
can the child within my heart rise above
can I sail through the changing ocean tides
can i handle the seasons of my life
well, i’ve been afraid of changing ’cause i built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
children get older
i’m getting older too
well…well, i’ve been afraid of changing ’cause i built my life around you
but time makes you bolder
children get older
i’m getting older, too
well i’m getting older too
so, take this love and take it down
yeah and if you climb a mountain and you turn around
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well the landslide brought me down
and if you see my reflection in the snow-covered hills
well maybe
well maybe
well maybe the landslide will bring you down

and i never seem to do it like anybody else; maybe some day, some day i’m gonna settle down.

last night at work, tif watched lovers pay with $20’s.

she cleaned up after them, washed the plates and shared forks, created foam hearts in lattes.

this morning, i’ll be serving espresso to bleary-eyed lovers hung over from wine, but still drunk on love.

i’ve already done it twice now, and it isn’t even 8am yet.

why are they not STILL sleeping off hangovers?

if i had spent valentine’s day with someone somewhere, i wouldn’t be getting out of bed until the wine had worn off, believe you me.

mind you, i’m not bitter. i just think it’s dumb that the world celebrates a hallmark holiday in the name of love, when in reality, we shouldn’t need a designated day to show someone (or several someones) that we love them. but maybe that’s just me.

so go show people you love them. that sounds lame. but i’m serious. fuck valentine’s day – you shouldn’t need a reason to share the love.

and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies; she’s got blood in her eyes for you.

it’s been a week.

exactly.

and it’s not that i haven’t been writing – i have. but not things that i feel the need to publish. writing things like music, solo performance pieces, and reflections. not everything written needs to be published, which i am beginning to learn.

—————————————————————————————————————————————–

after writing what is above the line, i promptly laid down for a moment to close my eyes due to a throbbing headache.

i JUST just opened them again. it’s now 4:30 am, and i can actually say that i slept last night. awesome. i still have a headache, but i did in fact sleep. yesssssssss.

apologies to those of you i was supposed to see last night. i wanted to, i did. my body just had other ideas.

yesterday was beautiful. a bit stressful, due to the first day of tech, but that is to be expected. however, when it’s 40 degrees and perfectly sunny in the beginning of february, one can’t really find too much to complain about. plus, it’s supposed to be in the 50’s today – possibility of rain, but that doesn’t matter. and yes, i’ll be stuck inside for tech all day again, but the little breaks throughout the day will make me savor the weather even more.

my cast went out for pizza on thursday night, and several interesting discussions transpired over the course of the evening. one of which, started by monica: what’s the worst relationship you’ve ever been in?

whoa. well, i’m not ready to talk about that on here. a very select few of you know about it, and most of you don’t. but that conversation segued into marriage/children conversations.

double whoa. i’m 21. i don’t even know what i’m going to have for breakfast this morning, let alone what i’m going to do with the rest of my life. how do you think about marriage at this point in your life? now, i’m not knocking those that marry young; i have a lot of friends both here and back in michigan who are engaged, married, or aleady starting families, and for them, that’s fine. but everyone is different (cliche?) and can’t be expected to follow the same path. i am fascinated by people who decide to settle down so early in their lives. perhaps it is because i have an incurable case of wanderlust; i long to travel, to experience new things, to experience anything and everything i can possibly experience. which isn’t to say that it couldn’t be with someone else, but yikes. marriage? whoa.

i want to go back to italy and immerse myself in its past.

i want to go back to ireland and wales and revel in the street music and the beauty of the landscape.

i want to travel to asian countries and teach english.

i want to travel to south america and volunteer.

i want to visit billy in mexico and volunteer at his orphanage.

i want to be in black rock city for burning man.

i want to go on a safari in africa.

i want to be in nola for mardi gras and volunteer in the rebuilding of the city.

i want to go snorkeling in australia.

i want to climb mountains in europe.

i want to travel across my country by bike.

i want to do so many things and see so many things; meet new faces and experience life. and maybe they aren’t all possible, but i’m going to do my best to try to accomplish all of them, even the ones that i haven’t listed here. if along the way i meet someone who wants to be a part of the ride, awesome. but if not, thats something that doesn’t necessarily scare me, either.